Total weight lost on OPTAVIA: 40-ish pounds (Not really sure. I’m avoiding the scale at the moment. It’s a jerk).
When I first started Optavia back in April, I thought I would be done by now. I know done isn’t the right word because it’s lifelong changes that I’m going for here, but I thought I would be at my goal weight by October. One of my mantras early on was “time will pass whether I’m making good choices or not.” Well, would’ya look at that. Time passed, I made a whole bunch of bad choices, and I’m only halfway to my goal with a recent uptick in my weight to really make myself feel fantastic about myself (insert sarcasm, please).
Way back three or so months ago, on day 109 of my journey, I had a sudden life change that knocked me on my ass emotionally. I handled it by drinking my feelings and using ALL.THE.FOOD. as my security blanket. I followed that up with berating myself for falling off-plan and making poor choices. Then I did it again. And again. And again. For a couple months. While dealing with a major life change and the day-to-day crap life throws at a person.
Like weight loss isn’t a straight path down, coming out of an emotional event isn’t a straight path up. Some days I felt fine and like I could get back on track with my goals and life. Other days, it was like I was kicked in the gut anew. Most days, I would start out eating my Optavia fuelings, but by mid-morning I’d be completely off-plan and shoving chips in my mouth while making pancakes and bacon “for the kids.” On days that I worked, I would be on-plan all day, but start inhaling anything in my path the second I got home. My inner strength and ability to resist temptation is completely gone.
So here I sit, on day 205, wanting very badly to be on-plan but doubting very much that I can stick to it. I’ve been sick with sinus crap for about three weeks which in itself is a testament to how much a person’s emotions are tied to their physical being. I haven’t had as much as a sniffle in about four years. Now I can’t get rid of it. I do feel slightly better today and more like myself.
I feel like a fog is lifting. But much like when you’re driving on a foggy morning, there are patches of clear blue sky followed by miles of murky grayness. Eventually, the patches of clear blue sky outnumber the foggy gray misery until the fog is completely gone. Remembered, but gone. (blech…that paragraph is comical and painful all at once. But I’ll leave it in. I think you get my point)
My very wise brother reminded me recently…”Focus forward. don’t look back. Just forward.” Good advice for me right now. Looking back fills me with regret. I’ll sit in the present with my eyes forward. So I try again. I’ll be refocusing my goals (again) and using my blog as my accountability.
I resist the urge to only write the “perfect” version of me. I remind myself that I hate reading blogs where the author’s life looks perfect. Because it’s not. Nobody’s is. I try to write what’s real. I can’t relate to perfect. So if this is the last time I write for another 100 days so be it. Right now, in this moment, I want to be back here writing tomorrow…but I also need to give myself the permission to try and fail. Because if I don’t allow myself to fail, I won’t try at all.